Finding Clarity in Chaos

December 8, 2015

​It’s already almost been a month! My head is spinning. How can so much be done in so little time… or so little be done in so much time? Since I landed in Delhi, I’ve been to four different states, four different villages and seven different cities. I’ve slept (or not so much have slept but rested) on cots, floors, trains, in buses and, just generally, outside a few times. Thankfully I’ve showered at least once a week. I didn’t really want to admit that part though…
I’ve met with about 12 different people one-on-one, 40 people all at once and have taken in so much information and knowledge that I have a permanent headache. I’m pretty sure my head is swollen, taking in the information like water. I’m just waiting for it to become so full it bursts. Which usually happens and is expelled from my body through a river of tears that stain my eyes and cheeks and hit my lips leaving a salty taste in my mouth. Today I finally decided I needed rest. How can I even evaluate where I am going if I’m just spinning in circles? I’m currently sitting in the upper village of Naddi, Dharamsala looking up at the lower Himalayas, their tips dusted in snow as we begin to enter the first part of the very cold winter that north India experiences. You’d think with the chirp of birds, a hot tea in hand, wool Christmas socks on and having just had a hot shower, plus this picturesque view ahead (that I still have a hard time realizing that it is in fact real), that I would be calm, clear and focused. Instead I’m anxious, confused, tired, pre-menstrual and missing the holiday spirit and Christmas season of Toronto. Even though I'm, again, disappointed that The Bay windows at Yonge and Queen are for the fourth year in a row the EXACT SAME! Like, really?! Their Creative Christmas Design Manager needs to step down.
BUT, even in this silly state of frustration, I’m so thankful that I’m always introduced to people I find intimate connections with. The girls here that I work closely with are not only easy to work with, we all support each other in our personal and professional lives and only use positive words to describe and converse with each other. You can never be sad or upset for too long when you are surrounded by this type of company. After regulating my breathing and cleansing my soul with a deep sleep, cuddled up under the fluffiest and warmest blanket I’ve ever had the pleasure to cuddle with (although it would have been nice if it was Herag instead), I’m feeling a lot more clear. It’s funny how such simple actions can bring your body into such a different state.
As December quickly rolls on, and Harmonie and I grow more excited to venture to Mumbai and Goa over our holidays with Daniella and a fellow intern here Louise, it’s just become so clear that everything is going to be alright, especially after some time spent on the beach with a book in hand. And of course, writing. I sometimes forget how relieving it is to just write. Writing brings me so much happiness. Simply writing out how I feel can be all I need in order to move past a rough path. Although a part of me is anxious and spinning, another part is really exciting and looking forward to planning out 2016 come January, bringing more clarity to my goals and objectives for the year ahead – again, more writing and a review of what I want that I can always look back to when I become anxious again.
I remember feeling like this last year around this time too as I prepared to head off to India for the first time in 2015. And now, here I am, a year later back where I started off the year and again, feeling all wonky about the New Year ahead. I remember telling myself that everything would fall into place where it was suppose to land, just like how this year played out (even after visiting four different continents to help me find where that landing place would be). 
Funny how somehow, no matter what you do, it all works out in the end.

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Sunshine & Raine is a digital marketing and sustainability consulting platform for brands in the global social impact space.
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