The last three months home in Toronto have definitely been similar to riding the Leviathan roller coaster at Canada's Wonderland. My emotional attachment to India and the thrill of travel is the loose thread of all my old t-shirts that I'm currently styling and that unravel quickly, causing instant emotional catastrophe - I really need to buy some new clothing. My happiness seems to be completely dependent on the people who are surrounding me and the foods I missed oh so much while abroad. And wine. I've put my hand up to catch almost everything thrown at me in order to keep my brain occupied and steered clear of any thoughts of India, my friends there and every single second that I experienced in 2015 - which I will always proclaim to be the best year of my life.
I am now stuck in a state of discomfort not sure of what exactly I'm doing, or what to do next. How do you recreate an experience like that? How do I find a thrill from a job that doesn't involve constantly traveling and engaging with the most interesting people I'll ever meet? Making a change? Making a positive difference in someone's life? How do you settle with living alone when you used to move around so frequently and be constantly surrounded by internationals to create memories with and hear endless stories from? I find myself constantly thinking: should I just do it again? See what happens, go with the flow, figure it out later, put life on hold?
I've started feeling very envious thanks to social media lately. I follow and search through travel photos of "instagram-famous" nomads who proclaim they are able to travel for a living and make money somehow while progressing their careers... some how. I look at the photos of all these amazing places and these blogs they write full of positivity and encouragement for others to do the same but...is it real? Are they constantly fulfilled by their surroundings even though their bank accounts are low, living in the moment and possibly feeling that sting of fear that returning home afterwards to a home not yet built is a possibility? If I keep going, will my life here remain stagnant or does it become a life on the go? How do I fill out a job application when I'm ready to settle down with skills such as geography and story telling.
Our generation thrives on being satisfied and entertained every moment of our short lives, living in fear of missing out therefore we take things to the extreme and live in debt or under the influence of whatever drug is keeping us alive - whether it's travel or what ever is causing that rush through your blood stream each morning. Although we are aware of what is happening in reality, we don't want to accept it. We "feel entitled to get what we deserve" is what parents and older generations will say but, is that so wrong? Who says we don't deserve the best? This is our life to live. I want to live it full of happiness, love and positivity. Don't you?
Finding my way without my giant pink backpack full of spare underwear and first aid kits has definitely been quite an experience as well, I must admit. It's also been one of the greatest challenges I've ever known. I am seriously infected with this travel bug and there is no cure. What I have been doing since I've been home is really just focusing on what does bring me happiness. I feel like many 20-somethings are in this "I have all these skills and don't know what to do with them!" phase and it really can bring you some extreme anxiety. How do I turn my skills into something positive that will help my economic and financial status, while continuing to travel? I wish I could tell you the answer at the end of it all but I'm still trying to convince myself what that answer may be.
In the meanwhile, you'll find me continuing to write it all out until I can figure it all out with a glass of wine or coffee topped up next to me.